Boarding the train at Stratford station, the reality of the situation is dawning. The dream has ended. Tottenham, who last won the league in 1961, will not win the league this year.
I could think "same old Tottenham" but I don't. I have never been prouder to be a Yido. How far we have come.
It's important to remember that nineteen years ago I stood at Selhurt Park watching Peter Fear put Wimbledon in front against us, with his first two goals of the season. In that moment, with just one game remaining, we were level with Bolton on points, staring at the ultimate humiliation. We were sliding uncontrollably towards the darkness, relegation with Barnsley. Woolwich would go on to win the double.
Spurs 1998 was littered with mediocrity: Gross, Walker, Austin, Calderwood, Edinburgh, Fox, Armstrong, Vega .... however from 2-1 down a certain German popped up and scored four goals that day. He pulled us away from humiliation. For the first time in my life I cried with joy. We were terrible that season, Gross had a travel card, Jurgen was a shadow of his former self ... but when it really mattered he found the magic. I will always have a special place in my heart for Jurgen. Nobody ever talks about the belter he scored against Southampton at the Lane the following week, his last goal for Spurs. A screamer.
It's tough to pin my low point as a Spurs fan. But it was around that time. Right up there was travelling to St James' Park midweek the following December for the FA Cup replay. We were an absolute embarrassment that night, a spineless capitulation. Played off the park 6-1.
I'm now married with two sons Harry and Rory. They love Spurs. You can guess who Harry's favourite player is. He is obsessed.
This season I took him to the Lane for his debut against Stoke. On the way he told me he thought Harry Kane would score a hat trick. It was a day I'll never forget. We met so many fans, who loved telling us about their first game. Harry thought it was like an extension of school, a giant family, he absolutely loved it. And then as if by divine intervention his favourite player scored a first half hat trick. It could not have gone any better - I was at the Lane with my son sitting next to me in a Lilywhite shirt and he was having the time of his life. For the second time in my Spurs life I shed a tear of joy.
What is so funny is that Harry has no 'baggage'. He thinks Spurs are a great team who compete for the title most seasons (Harry is 6). When we go two down he expects us to come back, as we did against City.
I'm trying to teach him some history. He knows all about Gazza's free kick and Sir Ted. But not too much, his experiences are his own. He is the new breed.
Today we lost, we lost to the mediocrity of West Ham. No self respecting Yido will find that easy. It hurts.
The title was always a massive ask with our fixture list. However, the consistency we displayed during the run in - the fighting quality at Swansea - was yet more evidence of a new kind of Tottenham. Togetherness, grit and determination. Let's not forget, we have been superb. We have won 9 league games in a row, 13 league games in a row at home. We have world class players all over the pitch from Hugo, the entire defence, Dele, Moussa, Eriksen and Harry. We will finish above Mourinho's Mancs, Guardiola's mercenaries & Woolwich (for the first time in 22 years). We have a great team, we are playing the best football of my lifetime. We are a force.
To say I am not disappointed would be disingenuous. But I am also immensely proud. I believe Levy will keep this team together. We can be even better next season. The team is young, and is still learning. We drew six of our first eleven league matches this season.
Hold your head high fellow Yidos. We have so much to be proud of and so much to look forward to.
Come On You Spurs.
Our future is in good hands.